How am I going to stand next to Donald's beard at The Black Keys tonight while ogling Dan Auerbach's beard? Do I pretend that I don't notice its lushness? Ignore its wonderous birdnest-like qualities and look away? Will that make it more obvious? The ogling? Is ogling obvious if a girl does it? If you have to stare at a band at a concert anyway, can you see the ogling? Does it just become "watching"? Do I say I prefer beards to not be as oddly statuesque as his, that I like them short? No, no, that would be a lie, I shouldn't lie. Lying is always bad. Do you think he drips ice cream in it when he eats ice cream? I wonder if Dan Aurebach eats ice cream. I wonder if he eats vanilla ice cream. Doesn't seem like a strawberry man, I don't think he'd be a chocolate man...yeah, he's a vanilla man. Do you think he's vegan? He's probably vegan. Of course he's vegan! That beard is a vegan beard. But I don't know, that beard tells tales of beer loving and grilling and meaty meat rib pork sausage things and daytime drinking with meat sandwiches so maybe he loves a steak once in a while? Or maybe he just chomps on carrots whole because he feels closer to the ground, to nature that way? I wonder if he'll eat a carrot whole at the show tonight. Dan Rabbitbach. Hmm. Nice ring to it.