Not lucky enough to head to the West Coast to see Thom Yorke play all the way across the desert* from you? Same here. But, if the roof over your head is that of your actual roof instead of a DJ tent or the clear Californian sky, never fear — here's how you can have the fun of Coachella without having to leave home:

1. Sleep on the floor. Camping guarantees a crappy night of sleep, so just man up by wrapping yourself in comforters and laying down on the hardwood floor or tile. Bonus points: set up a tent, only use flashlights, and don't flush the toilet at night after you pee. Double bonus points: pee wherever no one is sleeping and there are no electronics. Triple bonus points: Pee outside the tent.

2. Abandon everything except for your iPod. (The music has to come from somewhere). Forget work, laptops, your significant others' worried calls — you're in the desert, man. The only person you answer to now is mother nature. Which brings us to...

3. Embrace the elements. Indio will be hitting a high of 90 degrees during the fest, but you know what Brooklyn will have all weekend long? Rain. Teardrops from heaven, baby. Blast some Jay-Z, put some speakers in the window and go spin in circles out on the street. It's a music festival. That's just what you do.

4. Did we mention you should be doing drugs? Well, if we didn't, you should be doing drugs.

5. Don't forget what you're here for. To see bands perform live and be seen in an adooorable summer outfit. Girls, grab your favorite "I-tell-people-this-is-vintage-but-it's-really-from-Urban-Outfitters-oh-crap-that-girl-over-there-has-it-on-too" dress and men, throw on the jorts and a big ol' tank — it's time.

6. Start drinking. Early, heavy, and hard. To mimic the desert's draining effects on the human body, don't drink any water — only beer. If you're thirsty, switch it up with a few Jack & Coke's. Soda is just as hydrating as water probably.

7. Crank it: The tunes, the stove, and the heat. Set the playlist for your favorite five songs by each artist you would have seen (with half-hour breaks in between, of course) and let 'er rip. Stock the kitchen with tortillas, peppers, and shredded cheese to make quesadillas — you know, festival food — but only have one or two a day, since they're so expensive on the festival grounds that you couldn't afford more than that anyhow. And, if you have control over it, make the place hot-hot-hot. Who wants to pretend to watch a concert in anything but sweltering heat?

8. Dim, Sleep, and Repeat. Turn the lights down low at proper sundown time, and if you have dimming lights, this is the one time they're actually useful. (Unless you're scared of the dark, because then they're always useful, and we apologize for making fun of you.) Once you've had enough of rocking out to however many "sets" you can last through, snuggle back into your tent, call it a night, and get ready to do it all over again tomorrow.

Safe travels!

* Is it possible to type the word "desert" without thinking of dessert? I just did it again. Maybe it's one of life's mysteries, like how some people can tell identical twins apart.

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